this guy's etsy shop is right up your alley.

you may now return to your regularly-scheduled awesomeness.

i was in bed for at least two hours, and i still couldn't sleep. i keep going over what happened today, and i need to get it out in writing.

i'd gone to heather's house for dinner tonight, as she was making fried pumpkin flowers and salad (both grown in her garden!). i got there a little early, watched her water her garden, wrap up the hose... we were outside for about an hour. she finished up, we headed inside and got comfortable in chairs. and heard extra-loud tire screech. she heard a kid scream, and decided to go check.

i heard, "maggie, call 911. NOW." i had the phone in my hand and had dialed 911 before i even knew why. i was on the line with an operator within seconds, saying "i'm at [address] and i don't know why i'm calling. we heard tires and my friend went to check. she told me to call so i did."

i rounded the corner from the driveway to the street and told the operator "we have a car vs. bicycle. send someone now."

heather was on the ground trying to listen to the kid breathe. he wasn't. his friends were screaming at him, trying to wake him up, screaming at heather to get away from him. they kept trying to pick him up and move him out of the street. seeing that boy's head be swung around as blood dripped from his mouth was the scariest thing i've ever seen. i told the 911 operator everything i knew, and kept trying to keep the kid's friends and now-gathering crowd back. i was having a little success with that, and then cars kept trying to drive by. i told one driver to please back up and take another route, there was a kid hit by a car. he wouldn't. he was getting angrier and angrier at me, and, against my better judgement, i moved the kids' bicycles out of the way in an attempt to let the guy pass. it didn't work.

the kid's friends kept screaming at heather, "bitch leave him alone! bitch go away and don't touch him!" she said, very calmly, "call me a bitch all you want, just do it from over there." it was actually kind of hilarious.

luckily, because heather lives in a relatively bad neighborhood, there are police constantly on patrol and there was an officer on the scene in under two minutes. the ambulance showed up in under five.

based on what the friends told heather, they were riding their bikes and horsing around, kicking each other. one got a little rough and managed to kick his friend into a moving car. the driver stopped immediately because he thought he hit the kid, which he actually didn't. turns out, the guy failed his sobriety test and was arrested for dui. and, ya know, that's good.

but it's also a very good thing that the kid lived (paramedics came back to tell heather so) because he probably would have been charged with vehicular manslaughter that wasn't his fault. meanwhile, the kid's asshole friend gets away with causing some damn serious injuries.

i couldn't contribute a lot to the helping, but i was at least able to grab a box of tissues from heather's house and offer them to the boy's family as they showed up. i gave tissues and hugs.

sigh.

i think heather is now officially the crazy gardening, jam-making, white lady doctor of her neighborhood. :)

ps - i feel a lot better today. doctor was impressed with the relative lack of drainage from my infection. she cleaned it again this morning and everything came out clear, happy, and non-smelly. i still can't bathe until at least tuesday (SIGH), but i feel good otherwise. a couple little twinges of pain, and i'm entering the itchy stage, but this i can totally handle.

thank you, everyone, for all your well-wishes and happy thoughts. i truly appreciate everything from the bottom of my (significantly less infected) heart (area). thank you.

saw the doctor again today. she was very impressed with how well it looks. she had prepared herself for doing a big painful draining like she did yesterday morning. luckily for me, that was entirely unnecessary. she did however, pour some hydrogen peroxide in there (OW!), but it ran out clear. hooray. i asked her how often i should do that, and i honestly don't remember if she answered me or not. i have to call her office to find out.

but holy moses i feel so much better without that giant infection in me! still don't know what kind of infection it was... i thought the lab results would have been back today, but my mother remembers hearing someone say "24-48 hours" so i guess i'll know by tomorrow.

in the mean time, justin went to work. i'm home alone again today. and right now, i'm okay with that. on tuesday i got through the first two discs of buffy season 2, and i think i will continue along that path. hooray!

spent the night in the er. went to do the bandage change last night and... well, houston, we had a problem. ( cut for the squeamish or those who don't care. )

so, all bandaged up, with a cotton sports bra underneath the hospital-issued support bra. i feel much better. i slept soundly between 11am and 1pm, when we did a bandage change. nothing horrendous. justin called off work to stay home and help me with bandages and all that. and it just goes to show that i knew something was not right in there, and i'm glad i finally figured it out. a little sad it involved a minor explosion and a sleepness night in the er, but still, glad it was figured out.

so. i've been really painful the past couple days. the skin on my left breast is red, angry, and PAINFUL to the touch. even the pressure of the pads and bra against my skin hurtshurtshurts. i went to the doctor yesterday and she gave me a prescription for some antibiotics... that give me a pounding headache and make me incredibly dizzy. after three doses of the antibiotic, actually, my breast feels worse today than it did yesterday. :(

also, being on my back so very much has messed it up. i need to be adjusted but the thought of lying face-down makes me wince. a lot. mew.

i've been a really ouchie lately. given that i have probably 36" of incisions on my chest, i suppose it's to be expected. i tried my doctor's suggested way of bandaging post-suture removal, and after one day of it, it was SO not working for me. her way, the majority of the incision site was not covered or protected from the pressure of the sports bra. so this morning justin and i did something else, and that worked much better. i'm in much less pain today, but it's time for another bandage change again. heh.

justin's mom is here, she came yesterday. he's so very happy to see her. he's such a momma's boy, and it's pretty adorable.

ummm... today we went to lunch and i had delicious chicken pad thai. mmmmmmmmmmm. better than anything. then we went to wegmans for a few things, and by we i mean justin and MIL went shopping and i stayed in the car. then we came home and i laid down... and i actually SLEPT for about an hour and a half. crazy. and i'm confident i will still sleep tonight. which is awesome. yay for sleep!

it's been a couple days since i last wrote. i've entered the itchy stage. a couple days ago i noticed that instead of incisions i have puffy seams that have yet to scab over. this is definitely progress. i have sensation in my left nipple, and mostly i've been feeling pain in it as it hardens with cold... damn oscillating fan! i have a love-hate relationship with it right now. my right nipple, as i found out this morning, will harden, but so far i have no sensation in it. hopefully this will change as i continue to heal.

i'm not sure if i mentioned it yet in another post, but i busted a stitch or two under my right breast. i was doing too much too fast. so i've cut down on the time i'm spending upright, which is difficult. i FEEL good. sure, i'm itchy and i have the uncomfortables, and every couple hours i get random stabby pains (to be expected as nerves heal), but overall i feel good. laying low is tough.

in fact, i've realized why it's so hard. lying down and doing nothing and not bathing regularly is what happens when i get depressed. even though i'm not depressed, because my body is going through the same physical motions, my brain is starting to get into that pattern. i'm hoping that being aware of it will help keep it under control.

in other news, i went to bed at 10pm and didn't sleep well. i drifted in and out of sleep... mostly out. i don't know why. i'm having a harder and harder time getting comfortable. my brain really didn't want to let go of itself this time. i could feel it fighting. sigh. also, i've been waaaaaaaay emotional, really severe mood swings. pms, for two weeks? sucks, but it's happened before. my body still feeling effects of all the drugs they pumped in me? certainly possible. i have noticed that i have a tendency to retain a lot of stuff.

i dunno.

i'm still all over the place. some days i'm ready to get back to work and take over the world, and other days it's incredibly difficult to stop crying.

wholly unrelated: mannax has been pissing all over again. justin caught him starting on the couch, and he shoo'ed him off and to the litterbox. later that night, he pissed on my (good $100 feather!) pillow i left on the couch because of how much i've been sleeping on it. the next day i caught him sniffing around and getting ready to piss. i yelled at him. sigh. so i have to call the vet and get some prescription canned food for him because that dissolves the crystals immediately. i also have to switch evie to eating the same (way expensive) prescription dry food. bastards.

did i mention we're probably getting a kitten? heather's good friend has a cat that had kittens on earth day... and then she had six more on solstice, shocking them all. ha. there's an orange one. i'm ready for another orange tabby. yay!

i had a wonderful day yesterday, and honestly i'm surprised that i was up and out of the house exactly one week after my surgery. i expected to be moaning and writhing in pain still. but no! huzzah! i even drove my car home from heather's house.... all four blocks. but still! i did it, seat belt buckled, painless but slightly uncomfortable, without incident. winner is me.

today i'm going to have a little breakfast (finally, i've been up for two hours now) and go over to my parents' house. that's a longer drive, and i'm going to have mom pick me up.

it's really hot, and i wish i could go in the pool. :( soon enough! i get my sutures out july 2, so hopefully not long after that.

umm... highlights from yesterday:
*omfg a shower. i have to bathe at heather's for the foreseeable future. i will be entirely unable to bathe in my home for a good while. sigh.
*heather's removeable shower head. heh.
*i had lunch in a restaurant and my boobahs did not rest on the table!!!
*i went to starbucks and saw sarah, and her coworker joe managed to refrain from feeling up the new boobahs -- for a gay man he has an unnatural obsession with my boobahs

also, i ♥ the word boobahs. heh. i'm easily amused.

holy moses i have the munchies! i want to eat, um, everything.

also, the planet green channel is my new favorite thing. ever.

i had my drains taken out today, thank maude! i feel much better. i'm not thrilled with my doctor's bedside manner... in that she has essentially none. she is very brusque -- i cried. not from pain, but because of emotional stuff. her "teaching" me to change the bandages included a very vague, very fast narration while she changed the bandages, giving only generic instructions because obviously, she already knows what she's doing. luckily, heather was with me and she was able to watch. so she explained to me again when we got home.

but when all is said and done, i'm probably writing to my insurance company to say that it'd have been nice to have more surgeon options. technically, she was superb, but i think my great healing is coming from lots of reiki coming in to me from all over the place.

sigh.

but so far, so good. heather thinks i might still be a d cup! w00t! c was just a little too small. so huzzah. :D

um...

i have to keep a whole bunch of bandages in the side of my support bra to push my new boobahs foward. since they're reforming, we might as well push 'em up and out. ha!

once i'm a little closer to healing, there will probably be pictures. yay.

and for now, justin is gone. he's at work from 1-9:30, but he had to leave at 11:30 for the bus. :P i'm watching "a haunting" on discovery, i think it is. this story takes place in galway, ireland!

i'm sitting on the couch, and there's a lovely breeze blowing through the window. it's a good day.

• heparin hurts like a bitch
  
• injections should only be given on the exhale. for serious.
  
• i am not a fan of compression bandages wrapped around my legs. zomg. hate.
  
• i woke up sweating balls. eventually that went away.
  
• i was much happier when they took the oxygen mask off me, too.
  
• i am not a fan of IVs. ugh. the IV site still hurts like a bitch.
  
• in general, i'm not a fan of surgery. or hospitals. let's try to avoid them in the future.

what i've learned, is that justin is amazing and he's taking such good care of me. he's working today from 1 til 9:30. hopefully someone will be up to coming to visit. :)

also! the 360 has a semi-red-ring-of-death. it overheated... probably because we watched virtually the entire first season of buffy yesterday. hmm. justin's buying an additional fan while he's at work. if that doesn't work, it'll cost about $100 to fix. sigh.

aaaand reiki candles ftw!

surgery went well. i was loopy going into it, and when i awoke i was sweating balls, even though my temp was actually a little low. i was in and out all night.

everything went fine. i have much smaller boobahs now! tomorrow morning i have an appointment with the surgeon for my first bandage change. i'm pretty sure that i will have to keep the drains in all weekend and have her take them out on monday. joy. but it's not so bad.

and! i can sit up straight!

...baby boobies...

in an attempt to chronicle my breast reduction journey... here goes. it's gonna be quick and dirty, because my surgery is today. heh.

in march i had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. she said "oh heck yeah" and got the procedure approved by my insurance. yay! yesterday, i had the markings done, and omg, it's so weird. my nipples aren't going to point at the floor! zomg. weird. but it's all good.

things i'm scared of:

• waking up during the procedure and feeling everything and not being able to move or tell them -- which i don't need to worry about because they are professionals and will not let that happen
  
• complete loss of feeling in my nipples -- which i don't need to worry about because the majority of nerve endings will not be cut
  
• asymmetry! -- this one is so huge that about a month ago i sprouted a pimple in the dead center of my chest about an inch below my collarbone in an apparent attempt to provide the surgeon with yet another visual cue as to where the middle is -- which i don't need to worry about because this surgeon has been doing this procedure at least as long as i've been alive. i'm fairly certain she knows where the middle it.
  
• sleeping in the hospital overnight -- luckily, as far as i know, justin will be able to stay there
  
• not being able to properly clean and heal my wounds afterwards... the aftercare sheets all say to sit in the bathtub and we only have a shower -- which i don't need to worry about because heather lives three blocks away and i'm certain she'll let me use her bathtub
  
• maybe going almost a week without washing my hair -- see above
  
• the sports bras i bought to wear after my sutures come out not fitting -- which i don't need to worry about because they WILL fit and if they're too big someone can return them and get the next size down
  
• lots of vomiting when i'm in recovery -- which i'll just have to deal with; i can't vomit forever
  
• my body being not-proportionate anymore -- which i don't need to worry about because everyone i know who's been through this says your body shifts to accomodate
  
• scratching at my scabs -- which i don't have to worry about because i'm going to cut my fingernails shortshortshortyshort and keep them that way, plus the doctor is giving me a bunch of creams and ointments for helping with the itch. i will also be taking shittons of arnica to help with healing

things i've been telling myself:

• it's going to be okay
  
• my body will release a lot of weight with this procedure, both during the surgery and during recovery, AND THIS IS GOOD AND OKAY
  
• i know i put on all this weight in response to emotions, and now i'm in a very safe place and i can release both the weight and the emotions
  
• it's okay to cry. a lot.
  
• i have to focus on how good i will feel when this is over and i have recovered

so uh... yeah. i woke up at 4am, and i couldn't get back to sleep. thanks, starbucks. i really love the new internal alarm. oh well. now i have a chance to drink some water and do some internetting before i go entirely M.I.A. later this morning.

so uh, my surgery is on wednesday. like, this wednesday. zomg.

i have a lot i need to do between now and then, but i can't for the life of me figure out what all of those things are. i'm having an incredibly difficult time focusing. bleeding today, too, finally. there's probably cleaning i could do, but, again with the focusing. sigh. and i am so done with my job, mentally. i am ready to move on. four weeks off will be helpful.

um. i've been watching Dr. Horrible far too much for my own good.

and apparently i've been eating too much wheat in the past couple days. my tummy hurts. :(

what i really want to do is go to a park and wade around in a stream or something.

i fell asleep easily enough last night, much better than some other days. but i didn't dream, and i woke at 2:30, entirely unable to fall asleep again. i laid in bed for an hour, got frustrated, and came to the couch. i tried to sleep here for 20 minutes, and gave up. it doesn't help that the cats are being utter fucking freak jobs.

meh.

work today from 6 til 11:30. then gym. rawr!

i've done absolutely jack shit today. whoops.

my plan:
*shower and related tasks
*dishes
*clean the kitchen a bit
*put away clean laundry that's been sitting for weeks
*clean off the dining room table (again)

as a reward, i might watch Hedwig and the Angry Inch (finally in the netflix instant queu!), and hopefully having a couple people over for a small Rocky Horror viewing.

this is actually a substantial list for me (lots of crusty dishes that need scrubbing). and i actually need to do it all.

i'm skipping the gym today. my body HURTS. not in the "it's been too long since you moved" sore, but the "injury is imminent if you push it" sore. :(

so no gym for me today. i full expect a call from my trainer guy this evening.

my agenda:

• do my internetting
  
• take a shower
  
• go to the bank and see if they will give me an extended balance/new credit card so i can transfer my target visa balance OR maybe take a small personal loan to pay off my target visa and other cards, and then have one monthly payment instead of many -- obviously, i would keep my cards, but just stick them in my closet so i don't have access to them when i'm out and about
  
• go to walmart and pick up a few things INCLUDING ZOMG TP BC THERE'S NONE LEFT IN THE APARTMENT
  
• go to lori's for herbs
  
• get my hair cut and eyebrows waxed at 5pm
  

i think that's enough for today. i might do some dishes if i'm feeling crazy.

work was better today. i only saw Crazy for about half an hour, and for fifteen of those thirty minutes i was off the floor doing dishes. so it wasn't bad at all.

umm... i slept a little better last night. the lithium didn't affect me at all, which means i probably am severely low on it. i'm thinking that a VitB and a VitD supplement wouldn't hurt, either. so expensive! but it's my health, and that's worth it.

i'm reading excuse me, but your life is waiting by lynn grabhorn. so far, 22 pages in, it's stuff i know but i don't know how to DO. this is my problem. i don't know how to genuinely DO anything. :/

i didn't get more than a few hours of sleep last night. i'm worried that a nap now would mean no sleep tonight, and i want sleep tonight.

i'm seeing my hairdresser tomorrow, which means i'm probably ready to bleed very soon. sigh. i want it done with for the month.

i've been doing a lot of thinking. i'm clearly unhappy. things need to change. i know my life will change in 15 days when i have surgery. but other things need to happen to. i haven't figured out what.

i have so much shit to do. i must do it.

work was hard. it's done now. and in 15 days i get a month-long break from it. and i will find a new job while out. it will work.